The Virtual Boyfriend

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one of us with one of these. Right? Maybe?

It’s that guy you’ve had a teenage kinda crush on for awhile, who starts becoming your most frequent Facebook interaction. Ding! Yay!

The equivalent of old school “pokes” begins in the form of not just a “haha” reaction but also memes and emojis. Sometimes he is your knight in shining armor when you’re hotly debating a political nemesis. He swoops in and shits on someone’s day for you, making you instantly feel vindicated and invincible.

Then you start getting more private communications. You wake up to texts because he’s up earlier and clearly he thought about me so early in the day!

OMFG, stop, girl. In reality he’s bored out of his mind and mass messaging people at the job he hates.

You get afternoon check-ins that are sometimes actually only for you. Hmm …

You get late night texts – sometimes appropriate and maybe even sweet, but mostly they’re things you’d never repeat. But a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts,you might justify. He’s clearly thinking about me. Again!

Texts, posts, tags, and snaps, oh my! You might eventually speak on the phone and remember how cute he sounds since you last had an actual conversation years ago.

Maybe there’s something here …

LMFAO. No. You realize he only remembers one of the two phone calls you’ve had because during the other he was blacked out. You see a theme here but ignore it because *shrug emoji.*

Many attempts are made (on your part) to try and meet up IRL but something always manages thwart your plans. And yet … the drunken texts become more frequent and more personal. Confusion builds, but you don’t give up on the possibility of this being something real.

Months go by and you officially have epic plans … together. Just the two of you. Eek!

A couple of weeks before your plans, you get a lame cancellation and are stuck with unrefundable date night festivities. You expected it so you lie and say you don’t care, NBD. You decide fuck it and go alone. YOLO.

He remembers the date he was supposed to be your date. He messages you. You want to tell him to go unfriend himself, but IRL you still wish he was there. So you end up messaging him most of the night while you’re out alone. He’s your virtual date and you are a fucking sucker, man!

More months go by. More messages. Fights. A virtual fight with your virtual boyfriend on how much he sucks because you’ve had way too much wine and should have had your phone confiscated by the Dignity Police hours prior.

He confesses drunkenly (via text, don’t get excited) that he has real feelings for you but needs time. More time than the years of digitally keeping tabs on each other. More time than you are willing to give.

You stop responding to most of his contacts. You stop tagging and commenting, unless you’re hiding your true feelings behind a “I’m one of the boys” public jab that you secretly hope irks him in some way.

You resume your virtual hunt for your soulmate half-heartedly, annoyed that he thinks you’ll still be waiting when he decides it’s time for the two of you to see how things go offline.

You write a blog post. You’ve virtually destroyed the virtual relationship but you DGAF, because TBH he doesn’t either.

The Date

Please stop embarrassing yourself. There is no date. Ever.

The Plate


Pancakes, fried chicken, pizza, hot dogs, tacos, burritos, cheeseburgers, roasts, pho, salad, spaghetti, sushi, tempura or any other meal you can create with emojis. Just like this relationship or his feelings, this plate is not real.

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